In the beginning... (Rob)

I first met Becky at a friend’s birthday gathering in 2009 (Figure 1). Actually, I didn’t really meet her but I sort of just noticed her from afar. I introduced myself and asked her out when I ran into her a few weeks later, but failed to seduce her with my wiles and witty conversation (“hey, remember me, I was at that party and you were there too?...”).



Fig. 1. The earliest recorded social exchange (thanks to Facebook).



We didn’t cross paths much after that, until a few years later when we were both immersed in what is known as the ‘midsingle adult program’ for our respective LDS church congregations – she in Mesa, and me in Tempe. When Mormons past the age of 31 find themselves without spouse for whatever reason, they might choose to involve themselves in a group like this to encourage the process, or at least make friends with people who are in a similar stage of life. I helped organize a monthly potluck dinner on my end of town; she organized games and activities on her's. At some point we said maybe we should coordinate our efforts as a way to get more people to come to the activities. Eventually, I also convinced her to coordinate with me on a more personal level and we began dating in 2013. While she was resistant to dating me in the beginning, I was resistant to taking the leap of faith into marriage in the end. But on the hottest day of the year we were married in Arizona (Figure 2), and then we moved in together after taking a paradisiacal honeymoon vacation in Costa Rica (Figure 3). 

Fig. 2. The wedding ceremony, which took place August 15, 2015 in Mesa Arizona at the LDS Temple.





Fig. 3. Enjoying a honeymoon breakfast in Costa Rica at the Latitude 10 beach resort.

Prior to marriage, I lived by myself for 4 years in a hip section of Tempe by the university. For me, an introvert, living alone was great. I never had to compromise anything and I had all the freedom to use my space for a variety of projects and hobbies, such as my indoor gardening experiment that ultimately led to the great fungus gnat infestation of 2012. Sure there were the occasional shooting victims on the lawn next door and random porch visits from homeless people, but it was worth it to me.

Our new place is an upgrade though to be sure (Figure 4), and I have adapted to sharing my living space again. It was the first place we both found that we liked when we went shopping for a place to rent together – a little 2 bedroom 2 bathroom rental house with lots of citrus trees in a quiet neighborhood. After meeting with the renters to have a first look at the house, we told them we'd talk about it and be in touch. As we were leaving, we saw another interested couple coming in after us to see the house. It dawned on us that they might rent it to someone else so we decided to act quickly and tell them that we wanted it that evening. But we were too late, and they had already committed it to someone else. Fortunately for us, it turned out that someone else had bad credit. Since we kept bugging the renters to remind them about what responsible adults we are, they decided to let us rent it and fortunately our credit scores did not dissuade them.



Fig. 4. Our first home together, a unique rental in Mesa Arizona.

Now nearly 8 months post-marriage, we are mostly settled and quite happy here. We have reflected on the long and often unfruitful process of dating in our 20s and 30s that eventually led to us getting married, both at the age of 36. We endured many similar challenges and disappointments from different perspectives. In the end, I tormented her by withholding my fullest commitment to our relationship for many months due to my worst fears about marriage. But as with the set of fears that one can encounter at the beginning of even the best of relationships, real life has turned out to be far less terrifying.

I have often thought about the diagram that is used in chemistry to illustrate the reaction of two chemicals, A and B, which form a new molecule AB (Figure 5). There is an energetic hump that must be surmounted (often facilitated by a catalyst) in order for the reaction to proceed and reach a stable state of equilibrium. I think it's a lot like relationships.

Sometimes all it takes is time, and energy.

Fig. 5. Diagram of the endothermic reaction process in chemistry, which illustrates the requirement of time and energy for the formation of product from two reactants.